Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Adding Some Color

I distinctly remember my first encounter with food coloring. It was love at first chemical-laden sight. Mom and I were icing sugar cookies. We'd made a bowl of white icing. Then she broke out the food coloring. I was memorized by the bright colors and giddy at the thought of mixing them.

Like most six year olds, I believed more was better. So the icing started a lovely pink after a few drops of red. Next came lavender with some blue. Then Mom turned her back just long enough for me to reenact the movie Cocktail with food coloring. Every color was going in and hell with a few drops, more is better. This is fantastic, I thought, as I created a rainbow in the bowl. I stirred with glee until I realized the rainbow was disappearing. The icing was turning a disgusting shade of gray-brown. This was terrible. No one wants to eat icing that looks like poop.

So you're thinking, nice little story Jen. Way to point out that more isn't necessarily better. But that's actually not my point at all. Bear with me.

Last weekend I had to show my old house to a new prospective renter. As I walked through the rooms I became nostalgic. I lived there by myself. No husband. No dog. And certainly no kid. I had hours of quiet time to myself. Cereal for dinner didn't disappoint anyone. Reading a book for hours didn't make me feel guilty. My life was a bowl of white icing.

Then I met Husband. (Boyfriend at the time.) He definitely added some color. Then we adopted Trudy. Then we got married. More color. Along came Baby C. A whole shitload of color, pun intended. All of this in two and half years. And now people have dared to ask are you having another?


I'm trying so hard to keep that icing from turning brown right now, I can't entertain the thought. Another? I barely have a handle on one. (Okay, I don't have a handle. It just makes me feel better to think I do.) I want to shake these people until they lose the ability to ask questions. Another baby. Sheesh.

Then at night when Husband and baby are asleep and Trudy is warming my feet on the bed, I allow myself to consider doing this all again. It would have to happen relatively soon. It would be another giant pain in the ass, among other places. We'd need a bigger house. Daycare costs would be outrageous. We'd be really old by the time the second one graduates. But still I think about it. And admit that brown can actually be quite nice. 

We'll see.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Message to Lululemon

Dear Ms. Lemon,

I have a bone to pick with you. This may come as a surprise because you're pretty much perfect with your fabulous patterns and ability to make most asses look perky. But here's my issue. You've turned yoga class into junior high.

Like Guess jeans and Benetton rugby shirts circa 1988, you are all about status. That little horseshoe-like logo winks at me from the next mat over. "You know you want to own a pair," it says. "Athleta and Lucy are fine and good, but if you are serious about yoga, go with Lulu."

Like most new moms managing a budget that includes one million diapers per month (that's what it feels like anyway) I picked a special occasion to reward myself. I'd get a pair of Lulu's for my fortieth birthday and BAM, I'd be the cool kid in yoga class. My ass will perk, my thighs will tone and maybe even splits will become possible because if I'm going to spend $100 on a pair of yoga pants, they better damn well do the poses for me.

To be fair, Athleta and Lucy pants are no bargain. But here's the thing, Lulu, they have sales. Real sales, not the flippy "We Made Too Much" section of the web site that includes miniscule markdowns on clothing that never should have seen the light of day anyway. I'm talking sales where I can get a great top for under $30 or pants for $40.

Even better than the scouring sales is a new-to-me brand called Mika. Their yoga capris are amazing. And affordable. I know! I just fell out of my chair! When I put on their Mia capris last weekend I felt - and dare I say looked - like the athlete I was pre-pregnancy. Granted, I was wearing a long t-shirt, but who cares? 3athletejen was kinda back. If you'd like to check out your competition, LL, go to www.mikayogawear.com.

It would be unfair for me not to give you props where due. You are nice to offer free, community yoga classes. You do a great job partnering with local athletes and making them ambassadors. You're definitely not a "mean girl" and with the exception of your little Ayn Rand misstep, you may even by sort of nice. But I can't get past how you've created such status in a place where I had hoped all would remain equal.

So I won't be partaking of your snazziness anytime soon. Not that it will make a difference to your bottom line. The new plaza store is insanely crowded and loud. (God, I'm old.) But it makes me feel a tiny bit better using my dollar to support the under - and more affordable - dog. If you need to contact me, my Mikas and I will be in the corner, cursing under my ujjayi breath, trying to do the splits.