Monday, June 18, 2012

"I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies."

Neither do I, Prissy. (Gone with the Wind, 1939)

Husband and I attended a childbirth class on Saturday for this very reason. Like most first time parents, neither of us has a clue. However, being surrounded by other anxious and slightly neurotic parents-to-be actually made us feel better.

We did learn some interesting tidbits such as keep absorbent towels and a trash bag in the car you plan to take to the hospital. That way if you leak amniotic fluid it won't get on the seats and ruin the way your car smells forever. (Ugh.)

We also have a better understanding of different breathing techniques, when to leave for the hospital and not to change diapers on the floor as Trudy might interpret that as a literal pissing contest and start going all over the house.

At one point, we went around the room and announced our birthing plan. I resisted the urge to say my plan was to get the baby out of me quickly while inflicting as little pain as possible. However, after listening to several women speak longingly of natural childbirth and wanting to discuss the difference between an episiotomy and tearing, I just said "epidural and husband in the room." Honestly, I don't know how you can have a plan when you have no idea what the hell is going to happen.

Afterwards, Husband and I headed to Houston's for lunch while discussing how much better we felt after attending class - mostly because it reaffirmed our normalcy. The highlight was when one husband asked the teacher how thick the hospital maxi pads are and went on to explain his wife preferred the thinner ones. Seriously.

And I thought I was worried about the details.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Cankles, heartburn and peeing

That's where I'm at.

After my baby shower two weeks ago I looked down to discover Fred Flintstone's feet were in my sandals. Goodbye, ankle bones. Hope to see you again in a couple months. For now, I'm accepting the sausage feet as part of the whole experience. (Don't get me wrong - I complain about it constantly.) But they say water weight is the easiest to lose, so my fingers are crossed.

I remember my dad popping Tums and moaning about something called heartburn when I was a kid. That must be an old man's disease, I thought. Nope. Another fun side-effect of being with child. Last week, even cereal was causing major indigestion. Prilosec to the rescue. Thank God that's allowed during pregnancy.

Now down to less than two months, the morning dog walk has become an issue. Trudy likes a 45-60 minute walk before napping the day away. My bladder can make it about 15 minutes. So in addition to carrying a dog poo bag and Milkbones, toilet paper has become a necessity. Fortunately, my triathlon background prepared me for some aspect of pregnancy. I can pee anywhere at anytime  and do. Many of my spots may be monitored by cameras, but I don't care. Vanity has left the building, folks.

Mornings at the gym follow a similar schedule. Twenty minutes on the stair climber. Pee. Twenty minutes on the elliptical. Pee. Explain to front desk guy I'm not actually leaving, as each time I pass he tells me to have a nice day. Thirty minutes weights. Pee. Ten minutes on treadmill. Look down to see what appears to be a varicose vein developing. Gasp. Immediately stop treadmill. Pee. Drive home. Complain to husband about vein. Have him tell me that it's okay. Tell him to add more money to the post-baby-fix-up-Jen fund. He nods.

On the bright side, the newly-purchased elliptical was delivered and Husband  promised it will be assembled this weekend. That way I can workout and pee in the comfort of my own home.

Friday, June 1, 2012

To the bat cave!

If you've ever wondered where's the bat cave, have I got great news for you. It's in my house.

Maybe you were like me and thought about bats only after watching something vampire-related. As Kansas City vermin, they just weren't on my radar. Mice? Traps. Spiders? Exterminator. Bats? Huh? Who deals with bats around here?

Now I do.

My least favorite thing about moving to Husband's neighborhood (and there are many great things, too) is that I now live in a menagerie of my two biggest phobias - snakes and bats. And they are plentiful. Fortunately the snakes have remained outside the house. (At least so far. Crap.)

The bats, however, make themselves at home. Last summer, after an evening walk with Trudy, I opened the front door to a bat circling the living room. Completely freaked out, I called Husband who was working a rock show. He picks up the phone to me screaming "Bat! Bat! There's a %$(*#@ bat in the house!" He can't get home, so our kind neighbor donned his motorcycle gear, helmet included, and trapped the bat in a light sconce.

To my dismay, this happened several more times last summer. Apparently our chimney is some sort of bat spa when temps get above 90 degrees. This left me borderline hysterical. Husband felt I was overreacting and told me how beneficial bats are because they can eat up to 500 mosquitoes a day. While impressive, this did not ease my fear. You see, there's only one person in the house that isn't  vaccinated against rabies. One guess who it is.

In his defense, he did attempt to fill  holes underneath the eaves and around the chimney. We thought the problem was solved until Tuesday night. As I glance in the living room, I notice there is foil stuffed around the edge of the fireplace insert. Hmmm. Even more disturbing is the fact he's leaving the next day to go out of town. Which leaves me, a nearly seven-month pregnant bat-phobe, and Trudy, a dog who confuses bat time as play time, to hold down the fort.

He caught two and they were babies, which made me feel badly for some reason. (Damn you, pregnancy hormones!) Babies become vicious adult bats. Remember that, Jen. We sealed off the fireplace with a MacGyver-ish barrier of heavy-duty plastic and duct-tape. The next morning, there is was again. Chirp, chirp, chirp. Good god, are they multiplying?

As long as they are contained in the chimney, I told Husband it would be okay. We shall see how the handiwork holds up. We shall also find out the earliest time the Critter Catchers can get here.